Crisis and Conflict Resolutions in Marriage, Family and Relationships
© Dr Joel Akande. MBBS (MD), MBA, Reproductive Biologist, LLB (JD).
Crisis conveys a condition of urgency and or emergency that requires immediate attention and action to resolve it. In crisis, there may be risks to life and property or some form of permanent damage may occur. Conflict on the other hands, may be a subdued, flaring up or be a confrontational argument, quarrel or disagreement between those that are involved.
Conflict if not contained or properly managed, may develop into crisis. So, it is better to contain a conflict before it develops into crisis which may, by then involve the police, social services, medical interventions and other emergency services.
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Title: Relationship: What You Should Know and do Before You Enter Into One ...and After
Origin of conflict in a relationship
Meanwhile, as in any other partnership or relationships, ironic as this may seem, two opposite genders goes into a relationship on the basis that their desires and intentions would merge as one in form of a union. This is far from what happens in marriage in real life. Often, the opposites truly oppose each other, with each person attempting to enforce her or his desire on the other, all to the disadvantage of the union.
The major causes of conflict anywhere are anything that will threaten the survival of the person (morally, legally, financially, health and materially) or impair the enjoyment of life. The clear causes of conflict in relationships/marriages are: Financial issues including properties, sexual matters, and matters relating to or affecting children. Sadly, in-laws (mother, father, brother, sister etc) are notoriously noted to be a factor in ending some otherwise stable marriages. Other causes of conflicts are religion and career/work. Whilst health of a member of the relationship should not be a factor, one has seen, increasingly, lack of acceptance on the part of spouses which ultimately ended some relationships.
Manifestation of conflict
Conflicts, now at the stage of anger stemming from unhappiness, is manifested by acts done or not done, words said or not said, omissions, silence, prejudice, malice, rejection and refusal to perform expected duties such as sex , cooking, looking after the children, withholding finance, avoidance, making ironic statements, outright and direct oppositions. All these would arise as arguments at initial stage. If not resolved or if no common ground is found, the argument may transform to direct enforcement in which one person attempts to ensure he or she enforces his/her desire whatever the cost, over the other.
Manifestation of crisis (the absence of peace)
Such enforcements may take the form of physical attack (violence), damages to property and person verbally and physically. Behaviour that is out of character, rejection of the status quo, subtle or open involvement of the police and emergency services are other enforcement means. Then the conflict had become a crisis. In others, it may take the form of conspiracy to murder the other person or unseat/remove the person from his/her home and work. At this stage all manners of decency, confidentiality between the two in the union and those around them (in-laws, friend and neighbours), has virtually disappeared. It has become winner takes all, whatever it takes. The lives of children in the middle and the parties now, matters very little. It is a fight to the finish. This is “war!”. Hostilities are likely to be intense and sustained because the stakes are high and may involve larger participants such as in-laws and neighbours .
Most if not all relationships/ business and personal friendships/ marriages will go through conflicts in their life time, but few will transform to crisis.
Management
Prior to application of words, there are some key ideas that need to be recognised.
1) In any relationship not the least in marriage, there is a presumed mission to be accomplished, otherwise, the relationship will fall apart as there is nothing to do or there is nothing to defend in time of crisis. The parties to the union will simply give up in time of crisis. All involved should share same vision and same mission and speak with one voice.
2) In any given relationship, even if all are legally or naturally equal, there has to be a designated person to lead the union. Clearly, if everyone leads, then there will be a major leaderless problem.
With this in mind, one can proceed to providing an outline of what can be done to resolve a given conflict.
“Cooling Off Periods”
a) The first thing is to appreciate the power of words, which, paradoxically, is the tool in all conflicts. One would advise that at least, one party should leave the scene of conflict immediately especially if the verbal/physical aggression of .... Continue in the book here....
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