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| My life story (long rant) - Omar S |
I apologize for how long this is. But I don't think anyone could give me any helpful tips without reading this.
I lost my father when I was around 8 or 9 years old. I grieved for him a lot, but now looking back I am thinking that it might be a blessing that he died long ago. From what I have been told, my father was unstable. He took medication for his mental health, and there was always fights between him and my mother and it was leading to a divorce right before he died. (More about my father's death later).
I don't know if I consider him abusive since all my memories of him now are getting swept away gradually.
I remember him beating me a lot often over trivial things, like not finishing my dinner, getting half a grade less than I was "supposed" to get in school. I am not sure if he is the reason behind this, but I stopped eating when I was very young, I wouldn't eat anything at all.
Of course I was beaten into eating , but that rarely got me to eat and made me more stubborn. So eventually my father had me feed through tubes, IVs, and syringes (Him being a doctor and all).
And as stubborn as I am, to this day I don't eat almost everything, I eat barely handful of types of food (mainly junk) just to survive.
Other memories of my father include him being a control freak, stubborn, and loving.
My most vivid and last memory of my father was a few a hours before he died, when he went to his mother-in-law's house and dropped me and my brother & sister there (My mother has already left our home and was staying there). He dropped us off and was saying good-bye to us and my mother.
I knew it was the last time I will ever see him again, so I was in tears and crying my heart out while clenching to his leg begging him to not leave or just take me with him. He left me. That was the last time I ever saw him.
A few minutes before that , when he was still in my grandparents house, he gave my mother a lot of papers about his money and stuff in the bank, telling her something to the effect of "Keep these with you, because when I am gone my parents will never let you or the kids have a dime."
I guess he knew he was going to die, or as I believe he planned to commit suicide.
Why else would he give all these kind of papers to my mother and say that when they were about to get divorced for good?
Also the events surrounding his death are a bit of a mystery, being kept in the dark by family of course.
The following morning after he left, my mother finally came to her senses and realized that she was wrong. She packed her bags and got us ready behind her parents back, and was ready to leave and go back home to my father.
On our way back (its another town so we took one of those travel microbuses) I spotted my fathers white car parked along side the rail way. I pointed it out to my mother but of course we didn't believe it to be his car, why would he be parked there ?
We came home to an empty house, he was not there. Then I knew it, something has gone terribly wrong.
And with a lot of phone calls to police stations, hospitals, friends and family we finally learned that he was dead.
Guess what, he died in a train "accident". I didn't buy it, I saw the car with my own eyes, it didn't even have a scratch on it. And it was parked right beside the railway. I could easily put it together; he threw himself on the train tracks.
That was the end of my father. While it might have been kind of him to give all those inheritance papers to my mother for me, my brother and sister, it does not make up for him abandoning me like that. He beat me, made me cry and hate him most of the time, but I was a kid, I was 9 years old. I could still have forgiven him and he could have tried harder to become a parent.
If he did really have mental problems he could have sought professional help, he was a doctor he should have known better when it came to that.
Alas, he abandoned me when I needed him most.
After my father's death, everyone got a share of his money of course. My grandparents from my father's side got their share and mainly spent it on us. We got our share and its sill sealed in the bank waiting for us to reach 21 years of age.
And my mother got her share. Of course all these shares by today's standards are not much, but I am thankful I have it waiting for me.
My mother upon receiving her inheritance immediately thought of a million ways to spend it.
From buying a car, to renovating the house, to just spending on whatever she can.
Maybe it was her way of dealing with my father death, but that is unknown to me.
We had a good living standard when my father was around, and it extended after his death, but for a short time.
A few years later (maybe 2 or 3 years) my mother got married to man I came to loath.
He was one of those ultra-orthodox Muslims Needless to say his appearance was comical, I used to call him Sindbad as a kid.
Asking my mother why did she marry such a man, she said she needs a man in her life to take care of her and support her and that he seemed like a good "religious" man.
Little did she know that he was as cheap as they come. He gave her a very small amount of money each month, and stayed at our home in my father's bed from time to time.
You might be wondering where he went the rest of the time when he wasn't staying over at our home. Guess what?, he had another wife. He was a polygamist.
I was truly ashamed of my mother and her choices, whenever anyone asked me who that guy was, I always replied "Oh he is just a distant uncle".
My mother knew that before she married him, but I obviously did not. I don't know what has gotten into this woman to ever agree to live with that.
Long story short, I hated every ounce of his existence. He was also abusive and beat my mother from time to time, but I was getting older and stronger so I was able to stand against him occasionally. I even threw him out of the house once.
I don't know how to describe him, but he was clearly paying my mother those pennies to just be her husband or in other words sleep with her.
He tried to be my father at first, but 2 years wasn't long enough for me to just forget about my dead father. He knew he couldn't win me over that way, so he just gave the pennies to my mother every month, and stayed over for a few nights a week and occasionally beat her back into submission when they had fights, I guess it is the "religious" way.
Many times she tried to leave him, but she always hurried back into his arms or came back to her "senses" after a good beating.
Eventually after numerous threats from me of telling my grandparents, who are my legal guardians about all this mess, and after discovering a list of women and their phone numbers with little comments beside each name on how hot, how nice or how bad these women were, that belonged to Shaikh Don Juan,
She left him for good. I don't remember how many years it has been since she left him, but not much I can say for sure. Now she wears the Niqab, the most disgusting thing ever. And became extremely religious. I am not sure if I have to thank my ex-step father for that or not, but it doesn't matter now.
Nowadays and since a while ago, we are poor. There is no way else to say it. My mother relied on the pennies her new husband- now ex-husband- gave her, her pension from my father, and the yearly profits that come out from my inheritance and my brother & sister. Of course my grandparents from my father's side occasionally helped, and I truly thank them for that.
My grandparents are running dry now and are not able to help us as much as they used to, the step-father's pennies were gone, and my mother's inheritance that was foolishly spent and that is that. We didn't have enough anymore to keep our standard of living.
So my mother was finally forced to get out and get a job to support herself and us. She got shitty jobs that payed so little, she could have aimed higher easily and got better jobs with all her experience abroad, but no. I honestly believe that she is very simple minded, unintelligent and some times childish.
I also believe that her goal in life was to be married to someone rich, or someone with at least good career prospects like a doctor or an engineer to take care of her. Well she made that dream come true, and it turned into hell, and even got worse when her husband died.
So hopping from shitty job to another, she finally settled on one. A crappy government job that pays just enough to cover her transport costs from work to her home, and promises great benefits in the future. And like every other government job, you don't get those benefits until you have wasted at least a decade of your life doing their shitty job.
Now my mother truly believes she put the ultimate sacrifice of her life in order to make ours better, well its not better , if anything it is much worse and increasing so by the day.
We are in massive debt, our fridge is never full, and well it doesn't look like we have money for anything except for buying some food and paying off our debts which is in the tens of thousands.
I am thankful that we can afford schools and universities, albeit low standard, but we still can afford them through our inheritance's earnings. Which by law no one can touch until we are of age. (Good thing my mother can't get her hand on it.)
She doesn't really care much about us, to be fair she does yell every now and then to get my brother to study, if you call that caring. Other than that, she truly believes she has done her job and gave 500% with parenting us by merely or barely providing us with enough food to eat (sometimes we don't even have anything to eat for days) and a couple of new clothing items or whatever (which she is usually refunded for by my grandparents or aunts) for each of us every year.
That is her ultimate sacrifice, to go out and get a job.
She never was really there for us, never talked with us about our issues, what we really need or want. And on the rare occasions she did, she never had an open mind, and getting her to do anything for us that we wanted or needed, almost always required constant begging for days before hand.
I guess she believes that as long as we have money (nevermind how little it is) and food on the table we are just fine. Not very unlike my father who also threw the money at his problems and abandoned us.
And as she is getting older, she is becoming more and more extremely religious, shortsighted and superstitious.
She believes God will help her, give her money, make her life better. Well, God never did that for anyone and never will , at least not for people who wouldn't help themselves.
As more religious and superstitious she became, I became more and more anti-religion.
I can honestly say I don't believe in religion, its all just fairy tales as far as I am concerned, from Christianity to Islam and everything in between.. All intended to give hope for the hopeless and fear for the hopeful, nothing more nothing less.
I am a hopeful person, I try to be. So I distant myself from the sucking vortex of religion as much as I can.
One day I will be either successful or a failure. I am hoping to be the former of course, and then I can help my brother, who unfortunately does not seem very bright, and he actually hates me because he thinks I get all the attention and preferential treatment from mother, and our grandparents. Oh if he could read this. I will admit though that I might be getting preferential treatment from some of the family on my father's side, but i think he is also partially to be blamed for that. He never ever leaves home to go out or do anything, and of course he never goes to see them except on very rare occasions.
I have stopped missing my father a long time ago, I never think of him anymore. Maybe I still miss having A father figure in my life though or maybe I grew out of it.
I don't think I will miss my mother when its finally time for me to move out.
I might only miss my brother and sister who equally share the same burden as I do, but I envy them for being young when my father had died, they were only around 5.
My mother's plan of marrying someone to support her has failed, and now we are all paying the price.
I loathe my parents, but like any other son, I will always have a soft spot for them.
Now I am 20 years old, so I am still bound by another year under guardianship.
I am traveling to Siberia for 3 months in September, and I have never been out of the country, and I am starting to work on all the mountains of paper work required.
Its a huge step for me, but of course I am getting the minimal support from my mother or anyone else.
The best support she can offer is , well nothing. She doesn't even ask me or initiate any conversation about me leaving in a couple of month, her only genuine reaction was "Oh, Russia...you didn't find somewhere better?"
I am about to explode here from her apathetic attitude towards everything, what do I do?
And how do I cope with all these bad memories? They are all coming back to me now and they tear my heart out... And of course as mentioned above I am malnourished and feel weak and tired most of the time because i can't eat properly.
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| Re : My life story (long rant) - My E-Expert - (14th Jul 2009)
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First, apologies for the delay in responding to you. We have lately, had a couple of users that wanted to abuse the service that we provide. It means we have to screen subsequent users.
That said, I am moved by your long story and I am sorry to learn of your many challenges. In summary, there are a lot of emotional/psychological injuries that requires healing in your life story.
I have also noted significantly, your experience of “violence” against you by your dad. Ironically, your love for your dad is great considering the affection which you have expressed here.
I will not be long winded, so let me deal with specific issues,
Your dad suspected suicide
I am very puzzled that at 20 going to 21, no one had found it expedient to tell you the real cause of your father’s death. You can access the official record for this. I suspect, you are writing from US or UK. A solicitor /attorney may help you. Whatever the cause of death so well planned and executed, the coroner in you area will have the details of what killed your father. Besides, you may apply for the Hospital record provided you can show good cause for doing so. I hope, knowing the cause of your father’s death will at least put your anxiety at rest on the matter and to come to terms with it.
Your mom and her decisions
From your story, your mother, it appears is a bad decision maker. What else, can one tell you other than to learn from her mistakes? You can not change your past but you can modify your future.
Childhood and your person
You came across as a most intelligent person who had expected so much from life but instead received, well apparently, so little. On the other hands, you have taken pity on your self but also are in position to evaluate the good things within your family.
Your childhood experience had terribly influenced your current views and it appears you feel cheated by people around you. In short your expectation about life seems somewhat defeated by your painful experiences.
Also, please read our article: Child Abuse here:
http://www.myeexpert.com/servicesandresources.php?id=250
One can infer from your story, which while your dad was high handed, its clear that he meant well considering his intentions and what he left for you in form of inheritance. Clearly, his behaviour could have been influenced by his psychiatry illness.
As a result I will urge that you consider that he may not have been himself while he was behaving the way he did.
(In spite of that, and as a matter of critical evaluation, perhaps one can add that your proposal to travel outside the Country---an excellent idea at that --- will afford a relief and also give you the opportunity to see first hand the unspoken privileges that you had somewhat enjoyed in the past which may not be available to other children around the world)
A word on religion: Please forgive me on this. The fact that some individuals for selfish and wicked reasons do exploit religion for their selfish gains and twisting the fundamentals does not alter eternal truth that there is a Supreme Being/God. I am sorry that, you have been emotionally and physically abused and this is basically out of keeping with love and care at the heart of human existence. Mind you, I am not a Muslim!
Your inheritance
Again, you will need to be wise about this. When the time is due, you should ask to be given access to the inheritance. If you are suffering and in need at this time of writing, the law allows for the inheritance to be varied so that your needs can be taken care of. For this, you will need Solicitor/Attorney to help with your application to your trustees and the Court.
Further, I will advise you to learn a great lesson from your mom and so use your inheritance wisely. If you need help, please let us know.
Your future
My advise will be that you overlook (forgive your parents) and simply move on with life. Chart a new positive life for yourself. Hanging on to this painful past may drag you backwards for I can sense the anger in your writings as well as the disappointment in your submission.
You will certainly need guidance in legal, moral, psychological etc areas, to help you all the way so as to deal with your past, help with the present and your future.
To help you avoid the pitfalls into which your parents fell, please consider reading our book on relationships titled: Relationships: What You Should Know and Do Before You Enter Into One…And After
Having said that, please be careful whom you trust to avoid being exploited by others.
On behalf of Myeexpert, I wish you well and if you need further support, please feel free to come back to us.
If we have helped you, kindly tell others about us. We do it professionally for free.
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| Re : My life story (long rant) - Omar S - (13th Jul 2009)
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| Okay no problem. |
| Re : My life story (long rant) - Omar S - (13th Jul 2009)
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| I have sent you the email through your form, please reply as soon as you can. (preferably by email) |
| Re : My life story (long rant) - My E-Expert - (12th Jul 2009)
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For Myeexpert to help you with these issues, you will need to email us your worries as you stated here.
Please use our contact form correctly filling in all the fields. We will have to contact you first to confirm you are real and not a time waster. |
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